A high-quality post?

Here's a tip for the copywriters: The word "quality" sucks. And it sucks big-time.

Let's start with the way the word sounds, shall we? Qua-li-ty. It's soft. All those vowels. It slides easily off the tongue, without much impact. It slips away at the end. Not like, say, "top-notch."

And quality is a word that implies its opposite. It doesn't really say anything about your product or service. Unless you are peddling something really low-end, in which case "value" is your sole selling-point, you'd better hope to hell that you have quality.

Your readers should assume that quality is what they are getting. Pointing it out to them risks making it sound like you have no other fine points to emphasize. By saying that you offer a "quality service," you are saying that you can't really think of anything else to say about it. This would probably indicate that the quality is not all that great. When I see a gift shop that offers "quality souvenirs" I assume I am in for shelves filled with cheap crap made in China.

Now, quality in some contexts is OK: "Precision-engineered Swiss quality." Here we are talking about a very specific quality -- not quality in general.

"High quality" is really no better than "quality" on its own. What, are you trying to make sure your readers don't think you're plugging low-quality items?

So use "quality" with caution, if at all. It's like "fascinating" and "unique" in that way. But those are posts for another day.

Thanks for spending some quality time with me.

The most annoying cliché strikes again

According to the Globe and Mail, the today's Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce is "not your grandmother's CIBC."

Considering that one of my grandmothers lived much of her life on a mountainside in Greece with no electricity, I'd say the headline writers are correct: it's not her CIBC.

Not your mother's, or your aunt's

Of all the journalistic clichés -- hell, of all the writing clichés -- one of the worst has to be the one that snidely refers to your parents, or aunt. It's typically an aunt (and only occasionally an uncle -- usually when he borderline fondles you at family get-togethers).

You know what I'm talking about.

• The MVP TV series is "not your mother's CBC."
• Thinking of going south for a holiday? It's "not your mother's Florida" anymore.
• Hitting the hills? It's "not your father's skiing" now.
• Businesses need to recognize that their customers are "not your father's customers."

As for the aunts, Gertrude is in for a particularly rough time (especially when it comes to those mythical sweaters she doles out as Christmas presents).

• Aunt Gertrude's memory problems make her unreliable.
• Google Reader's share feature could allow her to see what blog posts you're reading.
  
• At holiday dinners, she wants to talk about her digestive system.
  

We own a cookbook that has a recipe called "Not your mother's green beans." My partner looked at the recipe. "These are my mother's green beans," she said. A local bar advertises that "Your father never rocked like this." Given their target demographic, there are probably decent odds their customers' fathers rocked a hell of a lot harder.

This is lazy, lazy writing. And worse, it's offensive writing too. It makes assumptions about the readers, which is generally a poor technique because it alienates them. It also seems to assume that all family members are stuck in a cliché of 1950s family life, and that everybody (except of course these hip not-your-parent places) conforms to some -- again, mythical -- notion of bland mainstream life and entertainment.

And Aunt Gertrude? Not too many of us have an aunt Gertrude. The name's popularity peaked in the 1890s, when it was the 24th most popular girl's name in America. It went into a steep decline after that, ranking 939th in the 1960s, and dropping out of the top 1,000 names altogether after that.

It's all about me, baby

I recently saw a book about global warming that took a different approach from most of the others out there. It wasn't about how dire the environmental situation is; it didn't take the opposite tack -- that climate change fear has been overblown; and it didn't offer any suggestions for collective action or policy that would improve things. None of that. Instead, it was about how to ensure your own personal survival in an era of climate change and extreme weather. Kind of an update of those bomb shelter books of the 1950s and 1960s. Who cares if the world is going to hell, as long as you (and your family, of course) are safe.

Later, I turned on the radio to an ad for a Ford truck. The pitch? That the ride in the cab is so quiet, you won't believe how powerful the truck really is. But if you need a reminder, just open the window, so you can hear the engine roar. No consideration, of course, of whether or not anyone around you wants to hear your engine roar. As long as it's nice and quiet in your cab, it's all good.

Ho Ho Ho

From the Taser International website. This has to be the most appalling use of Christmas imagery I have seen yet. You've got your cut-and-dried dualism (you're good and the rest of the world is bad), and you have Santa as a guy who will Taser you.

Toothbrush inspiration

Have you seen the old-school Oral-B ads on TV for the $29 toothbrush? ($29! I still feel like I'm being ripped off if I spend more than about $3.)

In the style of a Viagra commercial, the ad features lots of singing and smiling people (but with an emphasis on white teeth). The ad copy slides by as a kind of reassuring background, hitting some of those scientific-sounding notes without putting lots of guys in lab coats on the screen.

My favourite of those lines: "Inspired by dentists..."

Got that? Inspired by. The toothbrush doesn't have to be designed by dentists, or specifically recommended by dentists. It is inspired by dentists. Dentists are its muse. Or its designers' muse. How inspiring.

Doing the math

I don't pretend to understand the intricacies of the mixed proportional/first-past-the-post system rejected yesterday by Ontario voters, or even to have an intelligent opinion (other than thinking that seat counts and popular vote results should be closer to each other).

However, I note the following:

• McGuinty's Liberals won 71 of 107 seats. They did this with 42% of the ballots cast. (Voter turnout was less than 50%). The party's popular vote dropped, but their seat count went up. Headline on the front page of The Globe and Mail's website: "McGuinty cruises to victory."

• Electoral reform -- which was considered marginal at best not all that long ago -- received the support of 54% of the voters. This is a far greater number than supported the Liberals. Globe subhead? "Electoral reform soundly rejected."

Is poison bad for you too?

There is a story in the Halifax Chronicle-Herald this morning that's not silly -- it's about the pollutants that get spewed into the atmosphere when artillery is fired.

But the headline is a classic:

Beware: Artillery may be harmful

Quick hits

Maybe I'm especially cranky this morning. I don't know.

• Canada launches its very own no-fly list today. See? We can play with the big boys too! Our list is part of something called the Passenger Protect Program. I will leave aside the basic stupidity of lists like this. Instead, I want to say, Passenger Protect? Is there something wrong with the word protection?
  
• What's with Paul Wells and Andrew Potter's blogs lately? Why do they (or Maclean's) think we're more interested in French politics than, say, Canadian politics?
  
• The local elementary school has a breakfast program. It's great. I help out occasionally (though probably not often enough). I received a nice certificate for my efforts, from the national Breakfast for Learning program, whose slogan is "Eat Right! Be Bright!" A good breakfast is an important part of the school day. But I would think good English just might be too. And "eat right" ain't it.
• CBC wants you to submit your videos! So they can air them! And not pay you anything! But you should be thrilled to have the exposure! And, unfortunately, many people will be. An old freelancer's mantra: You can die of exposure.
  

Absurd Nova Scotia tourism ad

Nova Scotia has no idea how to brand itself. Or it has the wrong idea. No wonder tourism is dropping, and dropping, and dropping.

Case in point: a full-page ad in the new Reader's Digest (it's run elsewhere too) showing a hunky (I guess) guy in a kilt. He's leaning against a wall and holding a hammer.


Here is part of the copy that goes with the ad:

Tradition Doesn't Always Come with Grey Hair and a Cane

Since the kilt is rich in history and custom. you can see why many men to this day still wear one. You can also get a pretty good look at their legs.

This is a real winner, ain't it? First, it's offensive, second it's ridiculous. Maybe it's so ridiculous it's offensive.

Buddy in the ad is holding a hammer. Presumably it's not to use on the people mounting this campaign. So he must be some kind of construction worker I guess. The kind that wears a kilt to work. The kind that doesn't exist.

Just show him step-dancing or fiddling instead and get it over with.

Who is the audience for this? The ad is trying to appeal to the young hipster type, but also to emphasize tradition. Enter the URL that accompanies the ad and you don't get to the main Nova Scotia tourism page, but to the one that highlights the history of the province. It shows a dude playing a redcoat banging a drum.

To me, every single thing about this ad sends one strong message: We have no idea what the hell we are doing.

World's first!

My thanks to Andy Riga for sending me the ridiculous press release below.

1) How many screenwriters send out a release that their script is "almost complete?" Now there's a news peg for you.

2) The film is "the world's first Russian-Canadian co-production." Excuse me, "the world's first?" How about "The first Russian-Canadian co-production." Can there be any Russian-Canadian co-productions in other countries? If not, we don't need the word "world" (unless we want to sound much more impressive than we really are).

3) "...an intriguing story." Intriguing! My favourite word! Perhaps it will be "fascinating" too.

4) I have only gotten through the first paragraph and I am tired already.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
TROJAN. Ruse de Sioux KGB
Russian screenwriter Aleksandr Borodyanskiy announces his latest script, and the beginning of the world’s first Russian-Canadian co-production

Toronto – May 16, 2007 Professor Aleksandr Borodyanskiy, a well-known Russian screenwriter, film director and actor, has announced he is working on his latest feature film script. When complete, the screenplay will tell an intriguing story about the arrest of a suspected Kremlin spy in Canada. The script has already been registered with the copyright societies of Russia and Canada under the name Canadian Spy Kremlin. The working title for the film is Trojan, and Borodyanskiy has announced that his script is almost complete. When the finished screenplay is ready to enter production, it will mark the beginning of the world’s first co-production between Russia and Canada. Borodyanskiy is excited to announce his work on this script, as he has been fascinated with espionage themes since his early years. “For me, a spy is a person whose life is interesting and extraordinary,” said Borodyanskiy. Despite the theme’s serious nature, Borodyanskiy’s screenplay will be a lyric drama and tragic comedy. The film will be filled with both humor and irony, with a plot loosely based on the story of Paul William Hampel. “The prototype of my film’s hero is a man named Paul Hampel, who was arrested in Canada last November, and deported to Russia in December,” said Borodyanskiy the to Russian information agency Interfax. Hampel was a fictitious name used by a man who was arrested at a Montreal airport in November 2006, after the Canadian government accused him of being a Russian spy. Hampel later admitted through his lawyer that he was indeed a Russian citizen, with no legal status in Canada, but he did not admit to being involved in espionage. During Hampel’s trial, a Federal Court judge agreed to withhold the man’s real name over concerns for the safety of his family. In exchange, Hampel did not contest deportation to Russia. The man living as Hampel had managed to obtain a valid Canadian passport, and had made frequent trips to Europe during his time in Canada. Interfax picked up on a possible connection between the story of Paul William Hampel and that of another famous Russian dissident named Aleksandr Litvinenko. When asked whether the film will touch on the famous story of the poisoning of ex-KGB agent Litvinenko, Borodyanskiy withheld details, and replied “as far as Litvinenko is concerned I can only say that my hero has also been visiting Europe on numerous occasions as well.”

Aleksandr Borodyanskiy Upon resignation from KGB, the Soviet Union Intelligence Service, Aleksandr Litvinenko made public accusations against his leaders saying they gave an order to kill Russian billionaire Boris Berezovskiy. After being arrested by Russian authorities, Litvinenko was released and fled to Europe. In November 2006, Litvinenko died of lethal radiation poisoning under highly suspicious circumstances. Two years after his death, Russian authorities began looking into Litvinenko’s accusations of the alleged KGB misdeeds. This led to public accusations that the Russian government was behind Litvinenko’s poisoning, and resulted in worldwide media coverage. A few years ago, Aleksandr Borodyanskiy wrote the script for a popular Russian film called Tycoon, which was released in 2002. Tycoon’s main character closely resembled billionaire Boris Berezovskiy. Borodyanskiy has written several espionage-themed scripts in his career, and is considered to be a master of spy films in Russia. His previous work includes writing a Russian-Chilean film called KGB Agents Also Fall in Love. Films based on his scripts have won numerous awards at film festivals around the world. Aleksandr Borodyanskiy is a well known screen writer in Russia. He has penned the scripts of numerous feature-length films, many of which have received recognition both in and outside of Russia. Borodyanskiy’s award-winning scripts include Afonya We Are From Jazz, Ground Zero, and American Daughter, among others. In total, Aleksandr Borodyanskiy has written over 50 scripts in various genres including drama, comedy, adventure, romance, and history. -30- Available for interviews: Aleksandr Borodyanskiy

Bye Bye Promo Girl

CBC's Promo Girl is gone.

I didn't mind her voice at first, though it did grate after a while (too much exposure!). Promo guy won't likely be an improvement unless they give him some better writing to work with.

Good riddance Commonwealth Games

Halifax's bid for the 2014 Commonwealth Games is in trouble. For months, people (some a little obsessively) have been raising concerns about cost overruns, and about some of the ridiculous claims the bid committee is making. The games are going to attract a million people to Halifax? More than the population of the whole province? I don't think so.

But the one issue that seems most likely to sink the bid is the inept behaviour of the bid committee, which has kept as many of the details of its proposals as possible secret -- even from the members of city council. Now, many on council are completely fed up. And the bid committee has shot itself yet again, thanks to its announcement that they are pushing back by two weeks the date at which they will finally reveal the details of the bid to council (behind closed doors, mind you).

I fervently hope that the 2014 games go to Glasgow or Abuja. Of course, neither of these cities has quite as brilliant a slogan as Halifax has come up with. Here is the gem that is going to put Halifax over the top, and convince residents of the city that they should pony up hundreds of millions in tax dollars for the games. Literally: "Here."

That's right. Here. That's the slogan. Take a look at it yourself, at the Halifax 2014 website.

For a while, it was all over the municipal buses and billboards. "Here." Yes, thank you. I am here. I hope the games will not be here.

Other than the missteps on secrecy, the bid committee came up with another brilliant PR ploy: asking shoppers at liquor stores to add a dollar to their bill, to fund the (completely secret) bid effort. Sign me up!

The sooner this thing sinks, the better. Then we can get on to better things -- though instead of doing that we're more likely to continue to squabble perenially over crucial issues such as whether or not parking should be allowed on the streets overnight in winter.

Worse than promo girl

That CBC radio promo for the Gill Deacon show. Can I stand to listen to it one more time?

Apparently the show features "intriguing people" who tell "fascinating stories."

Number 1: Intriguing and fascinating are probably the two most tired words in the copywriter's lexicon. Absolutely everything is either intriguing or fascinating. If it's not, it's edgy. Or maybe it's all three.

Number 2: What the heck is CBC radio doing promoting the hell out of a TV show? Hello? I am listening to the radio. How about promoting what else will be on the radio. I might find that very intriguing, and perhaps even fascinating.

Google "intriguing and fascinating" to find out just how much intriguing and fascinating stuff there is out there. Here is my favourite:

FASCINATING NEW MASONIC HALL OPENED BY HRH DUKE OF KENT

Beamish launched its most intriguing and fascinating attraction to date on 19th April 2006, with the opening of the “brand new” Masonic Hall – the first to permanently open to the public in Europe !

HRH The Duke of Kent (Head of the United Grand Lodge of Freemasons in England) opened the Masonic attraction along with hundreds of Freemasons in full regalia. The Freemasons processed and gathered along The Town Street at Beamish. This was the largest public gathering of Freemasons in full regalia in recent memory !

The intriguing Masonic Hall is a truly authentic recreation of an early 20th century Masonic Hall – with a ‘real' fine frontage that has come from a former Masonic Hall in Park Terrace, Sunderland, taken down and rebuilt at Beamish. A simply stunning Masonic Hall has been built behind the frontage with a breath-taking interior complete with period décor and rare Masonic furnishings, paintings and artefacts, providing a unique insight into the world of the Freemasons in 1913.